Tonight I feel defeated. Without any rights, I feel defeated. And for the first time, I am perfectly contented to wallow in self-pity.

Well maybe not perfectly contented. The obstinate part of me know that I will get back on my feet fighting again. Only I don't want to fight. I just want to have fun. But who enjoys sweetness without first experiencing hard labour? Who reaps fruitfulness before opening his heart?

I want a break from school. Just one week. I just want to meander down wayward lanes, drinking copious amount of coffee in cafes snugly tucked away. I want to browse in shops that sell vinyls and strange trinkets.

I miss my Emerald City.

60 days until the best friend is back. And she'll be back for a month. A. WHOLE. MONTH. What a yummy slice of heaven. And I miss the sissy so. Two more weeks and she's leaving. So happy for he

Well, isn't it?

Type, backspace, type, backspace. If there were a time I'm constipated with words, it'd be now. My fingers are itching to write but my thoughts are at a standstill. I try to force some sort of memory out to no avail.

I've been spending a lot of time at dance. Now that we're having practice thrice a week, there is barely time to recover from one training before we're headbutting into the next. No complaints though because I'm really enjoying myself. Dance is becoming increasingly important to me. Maybe it's so insanely tough being in this club, and nothing worth getting is ever easy. I just hope that when the juniors come in, they can see that.

I honestly cannot think of anything else I want to talk about. My head is so full yet my heart feels tad empty. Still I'm going to bed with a grateful soul because I'm so very blessed. And I thank the sweet Man upstairs for looking down and saying, "I'm not giving up on her. That girl, she still has hope yet." I still have hope yet.

I realised that whenever I blog, it's because I'm upset/angry/frustrated with something. This page provides a distorted insight into my life. The truth is, I'm very happy. Struggles hit me hard at the beginning and I need somewhere to let it go so I come here. But I truly feel that I'm blessed. Things may be tough but I've got so much that makes my heart swell with gladness :)

I don't want to do this. This role has responsibilities I'm not willing to commit to. So much dealing of people and issues that is pushing me over the brink of sanity. They said it wasn't easy but I didn't think it'd be so tough.

This title is just an elaborate way of saying that I'm cleaning up after others. It's the worst. I really salute and envy the cleaners at restaurants and hawker centre. Physical mess I can handle. But what I face are political problems I can't seem to get past. Some people can be frustratingly irresponsible and so full of shit and it drives me nuts. And I love these people but some of them can be such... They think that we're invincible, that there is no way the school can lay a finger of us but really, we are not as great as we think we are.

All I want to do is manage my life in a somewhat organised manner but I can't do it when other people are just messing things up for me. But this protest is overdue: far too late to back out. So I'm plunging into this darkening struggle and hopefully I come out of it a better person.

"We are unusual and tragic and alive." – Dave Eggers

Watched last week's SVU over dinner and something Cragen said really bothered me. The victim, Emmy, was raped by her father and she told her ex-housekeeper. The housekeeper (Carmen) and her brother (Jimmy) decided to do something about it because Emmy's mother didn't believe that Emmy's father was doing that. Everything went according to the plan, except that Emmy wasn't supposed to be there that night but she was, so she got shot. Jimmy broke down during the interrogations and accidentally blurted out that Emmy wasn't supposed to be there. Which he wasn't supposed to know unless Emmy had mentioned it. Benson, Amaro and Cragen were discussing it and Cragen told Benson that they needed to find out that Emmy had a hand in it.

Benson: Even if she did, she's a 14-year-old girl who was the victim of sexual abuse in her own home.
Cragen: And there were other ways she could have handled it.

Doesn't that sound exactly like something I would say? I'm horrified. I know that Cragen isn't a heartless person, that he just needs to dot his i's and cross his t's. But I don't. And I fear that this is honestly something I would say in a normal conversation. How can I? It's thoughtless, it's cruel and it's everything I would have said.

I know I'm not inhuman but there are times I remember how ugly I can be and I hate myself so much for it. How is it that I can separate my feelings from these social issues with so much ease? Ha, and one of my dreams is to work at the Joyful Heart Foundation.

Ugh.

I've been wanting to update this space for a while now but I'm such a lazy ass. Anyway exams are OVER and it's the hooooooooooolidays! :D

So things that have happened since the last update:

I met Suzie Mathers and Jemma Rix! Absolute dream.

I've started watching Once Upon A Time. I should have started watching this show earlier -- I love it so much. I've also started watching Smash. It's a bit meh though.

Got a Wicked jacket! Courtesy of the best friend. It's so pretty and comfortable and I just want to rub it in people's faces.

Managed to spend more time with my lovely church people which is always a good thing.

AND I GOT MY INGRID MICHAELSON PACKAGE YAY YAY YAY!!!!

LOOK SO PRETTY.

I'm so glad it's the holidays now because I want to watch so many movies. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Vow, Woman in Black, Friends with Kids (PLEASE COME TO SINGAPORE)... GetGlue.com keeps me updated with all the new shows and movies, hehe.

Probably getting a job. Just lazing around first. I think I'm trying either the one at Saybons or at Ameba. MAYBE. Or maybe I'll be too lazy to actually go find one.

Will be heading down to the airport later. Dreading it a little.

Still reeling from the fact that I met David Harris on Sunday. Isn't he dashing? He was so lovely. It was absolute pleasure talking to him; even though he was rushing, he still took time to talk to Ariel and I. Ahhh :) I honestly think he's just the handsomest.

Other than meeting David Harris, this week has been dreary. Dance on Monday was fun though. But I'll be meeting some of my favourite people the next few days so I can't wait! And AGM this Saturday which I am really, really, really nervous about. Ha.

K, I need to do my assignments already. Can't wait for this semester to be over.



Love these two.

Spent my new year's eve and day with my lovely friends. There's something about my church friends that, as loud and crazy they are, I feel this inexplicable tranquility.

Pastor Dom says that we need to cement our faith by remembering the goodness of God, so these are what I'm grateful for in 2011:



1. Family.

This year has truly been a trying time for this family. I know everybody says that every year and blah, but I can't remember wanting to run away more. But the truth is, I can never bring myself to do it because my heart will always be with this family. May we work harder to be a better person to each other in 2012 :)

2. Best friends

My safety net. (Not-so) Random messages streaming in to encourage. How did I get so blessed?

3. Cell group + Esther + Janet + Shana

This group of people will always have a special place in my heart. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with them this year -- and I pray that I won't spend any less this year -- but they are always so accepting of me, and so I'm really grateful. They make me laugh so much.

4. School friends

No one would have tolerated my nonsense like they did. For that, I am thankful, because I know what a terrible excuse of a human being I am.

5. My dancers

My soul sisters. They were my sanity when I was struggling with school.

6. Irene Douma

Such a sweet old soul. I miss her.

7. Anna bee

My go-to person when Xy, Ky and Abigail weren't around. Even though she's so busy herself, she always makes time for me. She makes me smile :)

8. Sissy bee

I will never not be grateful for her.

9. WICKED :D

Love. I don't care if people say that this musical is overrated -- I love every single moment of it. Yay for not scrimping on tickets! Haha. It is a very beautiful show with the insanely talented and gorgeous Jemma Rix and Suzie Mathers. I can't wait to catch it again. AND I can't wait to meet Jem Rix and Suzie Mathers next Sunday! (Hopefully! *cross fingers*)

Of course there are other people I'm grateful for, like Kenneth (you can be SUPER irritating but I thank God that you're always here for me), Javier (TV BUDDY :D) and Felicia. Raquel, Denise and Jade are three of the loveliest people I've come to know this year and their messages keep me going. I have not been happy but I was very, very blessed so I want to thank God for that.

I tremble when I think of what lies ahead in 2012 but I pray that nonetheless, it will be a good year -- one of growth and maturation. Here's to a better year and a better me!

Keep your heart where your feet are.



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P/s: Just want to share a video that has been on replay the past few days. Jemma Rix is gorgeous and so incredibly talented.

"As long as you feel like you're doing the right thing, then in the long run that's all that's gonna matter. Because you're the one that has to lie awake at night alone in bed and think about your life. And if you have compromised your life, you'll know."

-- Ingrid Michaelson